Faces

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been slacking with my blog writing.

I could make excuses. I’m busy (true). I’d rather spend my free time watching Friends (which I do). I forget (true). Writing isn’t really my thing (true).

But I think the real reason is that this place is becoming home. And words can’t really effectively describe home. At least, my words can’t. But maybe faces can.

I spend two to three days with these women every week. I’m their “boss.” I’m the scary white lady who shows them the difference between a good purse and a not-so-good purse. I discipline their kids. I distribute paychecks. I tell them off for not coming on time and for wasting glue.

I’ve shared my story with them. I’ve cried in front of them. I’ve danced in front of them. I sing in front of them. They see my good days and my bad. They know my dreams and my fears. I hate hiding behind a mask. They see my true colors, my real face, every day.

Every day, I lead Bible study. Every day, at the end of Bible study, I ask for prayer requests. Nearly every day, it’s silent.

Until today, when I asked them individually, away from the group, what to pray for. And the masks came off.

“I want peace in my home. It’s not a good place.”

“I want peace in my life. I want peace with my husband.”

“I have headaches.”

“I want to provide a home for my siblings and their kids.”

“I want to get into college. After college, I want a good job. And I want my family to stick together.”

“For the last few weeks, I’ve been angry.”

“Angry with who?”

“Angry with myself. Angry with God. I feel far away from God.”

“Pray that God will fight for me more than this.”

“What does that mean?”

“The devil is attacking me in my home.”

After ten months of praying, countless sleepless nights, hours and hours of inventory and budgeting, teaching myself how to sew bags and scarves, planning Bible studies and opening up my soul to them, finally, the fruit shows.

These faces are the real story of why I came, why I’m here, and why I’m staying.

Hell on Earth

There are lots of great things happening in Swaziland. Amazing things, even. Girls’ homes. Boys’ homes. Baby homes. Agriculture ministries, teaching people to farm. Sewing workshops, empowering women to earn a salary. Medical ministries, bringing care to the very rural areas of the country. Some days, I interact with more missionaries and volunteers than actual Swazis, learning about what God sent them here to do, and I am so encouraged by their work and stories.

And then, El Roi, the God who sees, shows me the darkest corners, where His light isn’t known yet.

Driving laps around the city, starting no earlier than 10:00 PM, doors locked. A girl in a short skirt and gold tank top gets into a black car with tinted windows which speeds away into the night. Her friends move on to the other cars parked along the block, offering to do God knows what for next to nothing of a material price.

Abba sees these girls, His precious daughters. He watches them get into the cars and give away a piece of themselves, all for a place to stay or a small meal ticket. He sees me in my weakness, unable to stop or rescue them in the confines of our van.

When we offer to give her a ride home, she asks us to come back in a few hours, because she’s not done working yet.

He allows me to feel a small taste of the pain He feels for all His lost sheep.

This. This is hell on earth.

God’s beloved children so lost and enslaved in Satan’s snare of lust and greed that they don’t know there’s anything different. Girls who have been told from a very young age that all they’re worth is what they can make in a night to bring food to the table. Women so seemingly trapped in this lifestyle that they believe there’s no other option. And a society that doesn’t give them any other option.

And this is where God shows me my heart.

Five girls in the car, plus us two missionaries. Katy Perry album breaks the ice. The girl in the front seat, J, guides us to her home. Between African dirt roads and the way neighborhoods are set up, we can’t go right to her house, but we get close enough that she can quickly finish the route on foot. As she opens the door, her friends encourage her to go fast, run, be safe; we’ll watch your back. After watching her dart into the darkness, I turn to C and say, “It’s amazing how you girls watch out for each other and take care of each other.”

“Well, we have to, love. Or else we’ll never make it.”

These girls cling to each other for mere survival. But that’s not enough to dig them out of the trench.

They need someone to fight for them.

C is the last to be dropped off. After being in the car with us for a few hours, she opens up about her life. “Once they find out we’re prostitutes, they don’t give us a chance. But it’s like, we’re human too!” Policemen chase them during the day, but then pay for their services at night. 

“Please pray for us. We need jobs so we don’t have to keep hustling. It’s a hard life, you know. Especially when you’ve got kids.”

Oh, my heart. My broken heart.

If only she knew how truly beautiful, amazing, and valued she is, especially in her Father’s eyes.

In the Psalms, God gives us a direct order:

Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Psalm 82:3-4

Yes, Lord. Here I am.

Revelations from Date Night

So I watched the movie Date Night last night. I’d had a long day of workshop and ministry life, and I was exhausted by 7pm. But that’s too early to go to bed, so I made dinner and watched a few episodes of Friends and read a chapter of a book. I didn’t even play guitar, because that would take too much brainpower (even reading the book was a bit too much work). Around 9pm, I knew it was still a little too early for sleep, or else I’d be up by 5:30am (which I was this morning), so I started the movie.

The film opens with a married couple, Tina Fey and Steve Carell, going about their busy daily lives…disciplining kids, getting them ready for school, work, meetings, etc. Not only do those activities take up all their time, but it’s all they ever talk about, as well. When Steve gets home at the end of the day, he flops down on the couch, and his son asks him to play Legos. Exhausted, he tells his son to let him rest a few minutes before he plays. The couple is so busy and tired they totally forget it’s date night until the babysitter shows up to take care of the kids.

Watching Tina and Steve’s lives, I was amazed and amused at how much I could relate to them. Going home to 14 girls after a long day of workshop and meetings and appointments and whatever else happens between 8am and 3pm is not the most relaxing experience. I can’t even count the times I’ve had to turn down requests to play or watch movies because I was so tired.

Steve and Tina’s date that night was less than spectacular – nothing to talk about, no dessert, and still an early bedtime. I found myself somewhat grateful to be here without a husband because of the toll this lifestyle could take on our marriage.

But then this morning, as I rolled out of bed long before anyone else was awake (I passed out about halfway through the movie so my plan failed me) and read my daily devotional about faith without actions, I began to realize how my relationship with God had begun to suffer because of my tiredness.

For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5

God is my husband, and too often I have been too tired to spend meaningful time with Him. My morning quiet time has become our empty date night – intended to kindle the romance, but instead has become one more forgotten item on the endless to-do list. Like the girls, He desires and longs for my attention, but I am too tired and selfish to give it to Him.

Short-term mission trips are saturated. You experience all of His intense love and glory in a sprint of a journey. When you’re in it for the long haul, however…it’s much easier to sink into a routine. I still see God every day – in my girls, in the squatter camp, in the hearts of the other volunteers – but I’ve gotten out of the habit of really spending time with Him and asking Him what He has in store for me each day.

In the movie, the couple begins to realize how their marriage is suffering, so on the next date night, Tina Fey puts on a fancier dress and a little more makeup, and her husband is inspired by her appearance to take her to an upscale restaurant in the city instead of their usual place close to home.

I am so grateful I don’t need to wear extra eyeliner for God to notice my beauty and desire to treat me special. I do, however, need to make the first move. He’s there, waiting for me. I only need to call His name and fall into His embrace, and He will restore our relationship to the pure, holy, amazing adventure of a love story it is meant to be.

There are few feelings better than the excitement in waking up knowing that soon you will see the one who holds your romantic interest. When that One is God, that excitement happens every single day.

Still Can't Strum

Once upon a time, I thought Green Day was the coolest band in the world, and I bought (with the help of my family) a guitar to become just like Billie Joe Armstrong.

I played for hours and hours every day, learning new songs and dreaming of being a rock star and standing for something (whatever that something would be).

As classes got harder and band and orchestra (oh yeah, I also played clarinet and violin) rehearsals demanded more, that guitar rested in its stand in my room, only to be picked up a few times a month to see what I could still do (which dwindled to almost nothing).

I discovered my love for teaching, and my dreams shifted from being a rock star to being a band director.

Later I went to college for a music degree. Whether it was classes or rehearsals, music consumed the majority of every day. People who shared my aspirations, some of whom would do anything to get to the top, surrounded me. Competition was fierce and a chronic feeling of inadequacy reigned my heart. Even as my technique improved and my knowledge grew, I still felt mediocre and self-conscious next to my peers.

As time went on, I discovered I love people more than I love music, and I started searching for career paths that would be better suited for my passions (i.e., music therapist, counselor, etc.).

Then I graduated and moved to Africa and brought a guitar with me. I was excited to start learning worship songs while being separated from the competitive music lifestyle I know so well.

But, I soon discovered that two other people on the ministry team also play guitar, and are way better at it than I ever was, especially now since I haven’t played in at least six years. There’s no way I could play with or in front of people who actually know what they’re doing. Besides, I left my chord charts and capo at home in the States, so I don’t even have the necessary tools to really play…never mind that the local music store is within blocks of my house and it doesn’t take a ton of effort to write out chords.

Months pass. The stress of this ministry starts weighing down on me. I journal and watch movies and read books to escape, but that actually does very little for my soul. Then, we get some hard news about the future of our girls, and I sink into a weeklong mild depression with no outlet.

That’s when I receive a package from my older brother back home, complete with eight three-subject notebooks and a pack of pens. Perfect for writing out songs and chords. On my day off, I walk to the music store and purchase an overpriced capo. And the work begins.

I start with four worship songs in my notebook (a grand total of six different chords) and play them over and over, experimenting with strumming patterns (spoiler alert: I don’t really know how to strum – I just make it up), and softly singing along. I copy down a few more songs, a few the girls know, and play through them a few times.

This is great, I think. I love this. I love playing by myself. No standards. No pressure. No judgment. And I can play whatever I want. I never want to be in a band or play for people.

I take my guitar to the girls’ home to get some extra practice, and before I know it, my bedroom is full of eight kids singing along and requesting song after song.

They’re not ignorant – they know I’m only learning and that I have a long way to go. They know when I play wrong chords and sing off key. But they don’t care. They just want to sing and have fun.

Sometimes I get annoyed when they request the same songs over and over and have no desire to learn something new.

But then, that’s how every relationship is, isn’t it? You go on for a while by yourself, and you think, Wow, this is great! I can do whatever I want! I can go wherever I want! I can buy whatever I want! I can wear whatever I want! Nobody will care if my clothes don’t match! Nobody’s going to judge me for only wearing underwear around the house! Nobody’s here to be better than me! Nobody’s here to tell me any different! I don’t have to share anything or listen to anyone!

That’s all great and grand for a while, then life gets a little lonely, so God drops a friend or roommate or boy/girlfriend or spouse or 16 African adolescent females on your doorstep, and that all changes.

Now you have to share stuff. Now somebody cares if you eat their peanut butter. Now it’s less okay to run around the house in your underwear.

Now somebody’s going to tell you want songs to play. Now somebody’s going to notice when wrong notes happen.

As their guardian, I have full right to say “no” when they request a song, and sometimes I do, or I suggest something different I think they’d like. But if I say “no” too many times, then they’ll stop singing along altogether. And what’s the point of that? Music, like peanut butter, is meant for sharing.

Two weeks later, I now have 39 songs in my trusty notebook (some worship, some Katy Perry, some T-Swift, some Mumford, and some in between), and I still don’t really know how to strum. But I play every day, and nothing fills my heart quite like Nadia knocking on my door and asking, “When are we singing?” before I’m even dressed for the day.

When I shared the news that I was moving to Africa after graduation, people would tell me how excited they were for me to share my musical gifts, because music has such a healing power.

I finally discovered that’s true, not because of how it’s healed the girls, but because of how it’s healing me.

So, How's Swaziland?

Anyone who’s ever spent any time abroad, whether for school, work, or volunteering, is all too familiar with the question, “So, how’s your trip?” or, “How are things in [location]?” Most people expect responses such as, “Great!” or, “Challenging!” or, “Really rewarding!” All of that is true, of course, but it’s almost impossible to articulate what truly goes on in this life.

I recently had the task of sending a quarterly update to my home church. The following is from is the message I sent:

Life here can be described as busy, chaotic, unpredictable, intense, and immensely wonderful, all at the same time.

I would describe a typical day, but, of course, there is no such thing. I live at the Hope for Life girls’ home with fourteen girls, ages 9 to 21, along with the founder of our organization, Mary-Kate Martin.  We also have our two kids, Benny (2 years old) and Lucia (3 years old), whose mother used to live in the home. These girls have been abused on several different levels, but you could never tell by the joy that radiates from their hearts in this home.  Every afternoon, I tutor the girls, lead one-on-one devotions, and deal with any typical girl drama that comes with having fourteen sisters (which is a lot). This is the only girls’ home in this area, and women’s ministries are few and far between in this country.

While I adore these girls, my heart is really with the prostitutes of this city. My primary responsibility is running the Blossom House Workshop, which is a craft business to employ struggling women and teach them skills such as sewing, jewelry making, and the responsibilities of employment and earning a paycheck. I never imagined I’d be running a small business right after earning my music education degree, but here I am! God has prepared me for this position in so many ways, and it is always the highlight of my days.

Pursuing women in prostitution is no easy calling, but even the shortest of interactions is so rewarding. I spend time with girls in a nearby squatter camp, praying with them and simply sharing life. Whenever I can, I also go out to the city streets at night, offering the girls working corners a ride home early. Nothing breaks my heart more than watching a young woman, probably no older than me, get into a man’s car that speeds away for twenty minutes before dropping her back off at her post. This is a battle so rooted in culture and sin that there’s no way it can be won overnight, but it is a battle I will never face alone, with Christ on my side.

My soul longs to show these women their value, worth, beauty, and purity in Christ, despite the world viewing them as dirty, shameful, and worthless.

Please pray for this organization, as we are constantly under a spiritual attack, for the Enemy is intimidated by the Good work we are doing. Pray for us as we close on, renovate, and move into a new home by the end of the year that will house 22 girls. Pray for Benny and Lucia’s mom, who is expecting her third child at 20 years of age. Pray for our girls, that they all will accept Christ into their hearts and declare his goodness in their lives. Pray for the prostitutes, that they will be safe tonight and learn that they are valuable and that there is a way out. Pray for the men, that they will become men of God and learn to truly love and cherish women. Pray for this nation, that the sinful culture will begin to shift and make this place a pulpit for Africa, proclaiming Truth across the continent. Pray for me, that my love and passion for this nation and these women will always come from God and will never cease, even in the darkest nights.

Thank you, family. God bless.