The Purple Sheep

I like writing. I’ve been keeping journals since my early teens. However, I don’t write blogs super often, because I have this idea in my head that writing about myself is conceited and not glorifying to God (even though I read memoirs and autobiographies all the time). So, I open word documents and start writing stories about the things I see and hear, trying to make a story that’s somewhat original, informative, entertaining, and not at all about myself. And then I get frustrated and close said word documents without ever publishing.

However, the longer I work in the ministry world, and the longer I work alongside people, especially hurting people, the more I realize the only story I have the right to tell is my own.

Because, honestly, it’s not my story anyway. It’s God’s story, and I just happen to be the main character in this particular chapter. Kind of like how Friends isn’t actually about Phoebe, but she happens to be one of the characters, and some episodes are more about her than others.

So, here we go. Cheers to vulnerability.

Guilty pleasure confession: I enjoy personality tests. Everything from the little dorky ones (I am Rapunzel, a Rebellious Punk, a Ravenclaw, and my boyfriend is Tom Hiddleston) to the more serious, “scientific” ones. As people, we long to know and be known, to understand and be understood, and to love and be loved. I think we (or at least, I) spend time clicking options and filling in bubbles on these quizzes in an attempt to be known, understood, and loved.

The first time I took the Enneagram, about a year ago, I got upset. Everyone in the room swore I was going to be a 2 – The Helper. I help, I serve, I see needs and I try to meet them, and many of the missionaries I know are 2’s. It made sense. That was the mold I wanted to fit into.

But, it’s not. I am a 5 – The Investigator. According to the test, I thrive on knowledge and learning. I need to feel competent and capable. If I don’t, I isolate myself. I have difficulty trusting people and opening up emotionally. I need people to know that I know what I am doing. I need to be independent, original, and nonconventional.

Well, that doesn’t make sense (even though it totally does). Missionaries aren’t 5’s. I read all that, and thought “NERD.” What about helping people? What about having compassion? What about faith? Do these Enneagram people even know me? Do they even know my life, the crazy stuff I’ve had to do without proper training and education? Do they understand the insane leaps of faith and trust in God I’ve had?

So, because I am a 5, I isolated myself. I felt like an incompetent missionary, because my personality type doesn’t make any logical sense for the field I’m in. It doesn’t make any logical sense for God’s calling on my life.

And then I became even more hyperaware of my other differences I perceived as weakness. Most missionaries I know are extroverts. I am very, very introverted (INFJ-A, to be exact). Being around loads of people for extended periods of time drains me. Some days, I don’t even want to talk to people. I want to sit in my room and just be alone. But the ministry field is all about God and people, and that requires listening to people, talking to people, spending time with people, and having extroverted coworkers and friends who want to spend time with you on your day off when really all you want to do is sleep past noon and have a date with a cup of coffee. Alone. In your house. Away from noise and conversation.

 

If we are part of God's flock, and missionaries are the black sheep going against the grain, I feel like the purple sheep. Not fitting in with either group.

I’ve been struggling with this. It’s a weird paradox in my head – I want to be original, and not follow the crowd. I see the problems of the world (and of the ministry world), and I don’t want to be part of that. I want to contribute something unique. But I want to fit in and be understood by my community. I want to be competent, and I’ve perceived competence as being the same as the other competent people around me. Why did God even call me to ministry if I’m not like the others who are obviously more suited for this job?

Because I have strengths where others have weaknesses. Where a 2 might see a need that needs met, I search for the deeper meaning behind the need, its roots and origin, to grasp the bigger picture and find the most effective, long-term solution. Where an extrovert might struggle sitting in silence with someone who is hurting, I am perfectly comfortable being nothing more than a presence, without filling the air with empty advice, prying questions, or unimportant chatter (not that all extroverts do that, and there definitely is a place for advice, questions, and small talk). As a 5, I love to learn, and I will gladly sit in trainings, conferences, and language classes for hours without tiring.

Even within our personality types, we are all created different, and we all have a role in this glorious design. A mentor once explained to me, “Imagine my thumbprint is God, and the tip of this pen is you.” He drew a tiny dot on his thumb. “That is your God-given identity, all your strengths and gifts. Somebody else might be this,” he drew another dot in a different place, far from the first one. “They have different strengths and gifts, but they still come from God. Or maybe some dots overlap a little, where we have similarities.” Even as a purple sheep, I have a purpose. My calling isn’t a mistake or an accident. My dot overlaps with some people, and not with others, and that’s totally okay. We are all here with the same purpose, with the same goal – to serve and glorify God.

Thanks, God, for my personality. Thank you for making me, me. Thank you for my story. I pray it continues to glorify You.



P.S. - I totally recommend taking personality tests (like the Enneagram and Myers Briggs) to learn about your strengths and weaknesses, and your dot on God's design