Anyone who ever spent time with me during college knows I
love Africa. I talked about it all the time. I had maps, flags, and photos on
my bedroom walls. I looked for any excuse to tell a story or share a fact. I
loved my university and knew the value of finishing my degree, but it was no
secret that I longed to be somewhere else.
But living here isn’t always easy, either. I get homesick. I
miss late night conversations with friends. I miss family dinners and
adventures with my brother. Over the past eighteen months, I’ve missed out on
weddings, births, and reunions. Believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to be
there – it’s that God placed me here, and it’s a little difficult to commute
between continents, no matter how badly I want to sometimes.
A few days ago, I opened my email to find out my dog died.
We’d had her since I was in fifth grade, and she was as loyal of a pet as
anyone could ask for. I’m sad and disappointed at her passing, but I’m so
grateful for the time I had with her, especially on my trip to the States a few
months ago. We went on car rides and walks in the park and shared Sonic happy
hour, just like old times. Saying goodbye to her at the end of my trip was
hard, because I knew she didn’t understand where I was going or how long I’d be
gone. But she was joyful, all the same.
This news was hard, not just because I miss my canine
companion, but because it got me thinking about what else I’d missed and am
going to miss out on. More weddings, births, graduations, and funerals. My
heart is as much in America as it is in Swaziland.
Just as I was processing and digesting this information, I
received news that a very dear friend of mine passed away. She was in her late
70’s and lived a long, full life loving Jesus and sharing kindness, but that
didn’t stop my tears from flowing. I’m surrounded by awesome, supportive
community out here, but they didn’t know her. They don’t know the life I shared
with her. They just know I’m hurting.
And of course, all that sent me into a dramatic spiral of
“what if’s”… What if something happens and I have to go home? What if I had
never left home? What if I had only stayed in Swazi for one year, like I
initially planned? What if I didn’t have such easy communication with home?
What if I had never gone to Swaziland in the first place in 2012? What if…
It’s not easy having your heart in two places. Even if I
hadn’t left home after my visit in October, I would have missed out on so much
here in Swaziland. Since being back, we’ve celebrated birthdays and
Thanksgiving. Two new girls have entered our home. God worked through us to
reach out to dozens of women selling themselves on street corners. The young
woman living with me decided to leave our ministry and return to her old life
on the streets, and if I was in the U.S. instead of right here in the middle of
it all, I would have been even more devastated and helpless.
This isn’t the happiest blog post I’ve ever written, but I
promise there is a silver lining. I can’t be in both places. Even while I was
home, it was so challenging and exhausting trying to see everyone I wanted to
see, and I missed Swaziland with all my heart. I can’t do it all, but I know
Who can and does. While I go to the States, I have to trust God with what’s
going on in Swaziland. I have to trust Him with our girls and the ministry.
While I’m in Swaziland, I have to trust Him with all my relationships back
home. I have to trust His timing with all news and events, both good and bad.
There’s a reason He had me here to find out about my dog and my friend instead
of at home. He provides and He comforts, and if I had been at home for that
news, maybe I wouldn’t have leaned on Him as much. Maybe I would have dealt
with it in a completely different way. Maybe…
I’m trying hard not to live in the “what if’s” and
“maybe’s.” I’m trying hard to live a life that glorifies God, no matter the
sacrifice. No matter what He asks of me. Besides, the light at the tunnel makes
it all worth it, and I know where I will see my friend again.
